Tuesday, June 26, 2007

7 secret powers of Twitter

Twitter has 7 secret powers.

Twitter provides to its users:

(1) Computelepathy

Fast electronic transfer of memes and emotions. Ideas and rebellion spread quickly from one impassioned mind to another via the simple functionality of Twitter.

(2) Condensivity

Ability to make a long thought short. Many Twitter users come from shamefully prolix blogs, and it's a tragically painful (but auspicious) process to go from long-winded, tangential, scholarly posts to snappy, 140 character thought-bursts.

(2) Ambienticity

Ability to quickly form the entire support system of a user's life-frame, engulfing like breathed air or background music. One is either an abstainer or an addict, there is no casual user. Those who merely toy with Twitter will abandon their page after a few half-hearted tweets about lunch and boyfriends.

(3) Intimacy

This is, for most user-addicts, a more private, less public avenue of communication, thus they're more prone to issue morbidly self-congratulatory statements ("I'm so hot and in-demand as a conference quack"), airport posts that are more appropriate for Plazes, predator-unsafe remarks like what gym the wife is at right now, and insufficiently suppressed office declarations ("I hate my boss and coworkers, damn them! I want to throw things at the idiots!").

(4) Community

Your list of Followers you Friended comprise a more or less tight-knit inner circle of astonished admirers, a growing online assembly of those who relish, are amused by, merely tolerate, or barely stomach your improvised ramblings and disgruntlings.

(5) Reciprocity

Using @ for "in reply to" and DM (direct messages), one may respond as soon as one sees a message to get excited about. Preferably tweets admiringly addressing oneself, or an issue they all know you are fanatic about.

(6) Archivicity

You can pretend to be "communicating", but in actuality merely using Twitter as a repository or treasury of links and quotes you want to use someday in a book or white paper or blog post.

(7) Plasticity

You, meaning your consciousness, can morph and barely be noticed.

Twitter users change mood and opinion in a seemingly unlimited pliability that resembles silly putty, thus many addicts find their entire personality and world view shooting off first this way, then suddenly, unexpectedly off in that direction, then again going way over that way, back and forth, with the ebb and flow of the message propaganda. This may be due to the exaggerated sense of attachment, and fear of offending fellow addicts, which results in this herculean effort to see the good in every tweet, and not be too dismissive of the carefully crafted and chiseled messages of the cloistered addict enclave.


Anonymous said...

Wow. And all I did was use twitter for porn.

Ann said...

I can only hope that you will be including all of these as part of the @Vaspers glossary.

Yeah, I know I didn't have to @ you..but that is one of my twitter super powers...@ing.


You give me twitter balance. On the one side all of the normal well adjusted people. On the other side.. @Vaspers. I like it that way too.


whatsnext said...

You nailed Twitter in this post. Don't forget rumor mill, and source of invites to betas like joost.

and hey, it's where i started loving to read your tweets.

Brian said...

But, enough about you.

Just kidding. Great post.

Kevin D said...

Sorry about this but I just tagged you..