Sunday, November 26, 2006

deleting the entire internet

Over at "The Power of Parody" at CK's blog, I was finally questioned about the symbols in my comment signature. When I fill in the box, on a comment form at other blogs, that asks for my name, I usually use some cryptic symbol sets, for example:

Posted by: V-+a%S(p#E*rsT=`hE..]gra_Te[ | Saturday, November 25, 2006 at 05:24 AM

The symbols in my name are an esoteric Captain Crunch type code that, when anyone clicks on my name to visit my site, triggers a certain config file that begins a secret process that, once enough people click it, will eventually delete the entire internet.

It's my little magic trick. Jealous of David Blaine and other illusionists, I crafted this plot to suit my relentless need for peer-approval and my loathing for authority figures.

As of November 24, 2006, I have amassed nearly all the clicks necessary to pull this off. I need only a small number of additional clicks to reach the critical mass, what I tenderly refer to as the Toilet Threshhold.

I have already moved most of my duplicate blog files to the network that will be replacing what we web guys call the Commodity Internet (the one most people know and use).

The Commodity Internet, full of filthy porn, dorky games, pseudo-pharmaceuticals, and annoyingly boring personal drivel blogs, is doomed to collapse soon, with or without my little scheme. I'm just racing to be the one who gets all the fame and glory and mainstream media attention. I want to be the one who successfully deletes the entire internet.

I suggest you start switching your browser controls and system protocols to the Interplanetary Sporadic Connectivity Network, which is what I believe will be the replacement net.


This little prank of mine will make free expression haters, computer-phobic hicks, and the MSM happy, which is a regretable side effect. On the bright side, I will single handedly ruin a buttload of porn producers and shatter the online gaming community.

But more imporantly, I will achieve a place in history books for many centuries to come. I will be more famous than Bill Gates, Elvis, and the Beatles put together.

"Vaspers the Internet Deleter" will be my new title. On my tombstone: "He erased all the root servers and directories of the Commodity Internet".

Here, as a passing curiosity, are the latest global Nielsen/Net Ratings stats for the Commodity Internet

Month of September 2006, Panel Type: Home

September 2006 August 2006 % Change
Sessions/Visits per Person per Month 33 33 0
Domains Visited per Person per Month 69 69 0
Web Pages per Person per Month 1,446 1,469 -1.56
Page Views per Surfing Session 43 44 -2.42
PC Time Spent per Month 29:01:50 29:04:26 -0.15
Time Spent During Surfing Session 0:52:58 0:53:29 -0.96
Duration of a Web Page Viewed 0:00:43 0:00:43 0
Active Digital Media Universe 322,885,426 322,426,832 +0.14
Current Digital Media Universe Estimate 482,821,770 482,013,552 +0.17

your pal,

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