Monday, May 22, 2006

7 dark truths of blogging

Blogging has, like all things, a down side.

Here are some of the pitfalls and disturbances, some of which you may not have been aware of, and some you will surely recognize instantly.

Blogging can cause:

(1) Bodily Harm

Damage to wrists, neck, eyes, and back may occur, due to repetitive motions and inordinately large amounts of time spent in a frozen position.

Lack of sunshine and fresh air makes you slowly transform into a freakish monstrosity.

(2) Psychological Problems

A. Emotional anguish due to hateful flames, IOFD (instantaneous online friendship dissolvement), blog audience depletion, negative posts by blog foes, unfair critique, or truth-telling comments.

B. Obsessive blogging behavior, brought on by lovelessness, parental conflict, work dysfunctions, and inordinate need to express and exhibit self.

(3) Social Dsyfunction

Disharmony with others, due to being more comfortable online, and preferring chat, texting, blogs, forums, and email to telephony or personally present conversations with flesh and blood human entities.

(4) Financial Disaster

You spend too much time in the blogosphere, working on your own blog, commenting on other blogs, that you neglect to seek a job, or you avoid desperately needed overtime and call-in days, due to strong desire to express and exhibit self via blogging activities.

(5) Sexual Anxiety

You, or a textual formulation of yourself, falls in love with another textual formulation, calling itself Johnny or Jane, and you are desperately hoping it's all true, they really look like the photo they post on their blog, fearfully dreading the realization that he is a she, or that the teen is an old predatory geezer, or that the single stud is an ugly married man.

(6) Political Remorse

You blurt out all your opinions about everything, then realize that you sound like a know-it-all piece of turkey jerky dipped in idiot sauce.

(7) Mental Illness

You can become so hooked on blogging, whether the social networking, dating hook-up, or professional type, that you think of little else.

You begin to withdraw from normal activities like going to restaurants, theatre, and baseball games. You dislike cluttering your head with news about anyone who's not in your friends list or blogroll. You expect everyone you know to follow your blog posts daily, without exception.

You begin to think the whole realm of nature and the entire empire of technology revolve around your crappy little blogoid object. You argue about how you think blogging is the most important thing in the world.

You hate spending time in bed or at the breakfast table. You avoid eating, dancing, and gossiping. You spend larger and larger amounts of time at the computer, snarling viciously at anyone who suggests you take a break or do something else.

You are no longer able to distinguish your blog from yourself.

You begin to enter your blog in a whole and perverse manner, becoming one with it in an unseemly display of a total loss of autonomy and discretion. Your mental blending in with the text and graphics of your blog causes you to feel negative comments as vividly as though they were glittering barbs of pain in motion.

You seem vacant and unpresent when absent from your blog or the blogosphere in general. Your mind is represented as a roll of posts, rambling on forever, with senseless inscription machines dancing all over it, scrolling on and on like a sea of sand, flowing sluggishly and reliably toward its forward pull.

You ...

spit on a stranger (PAVEMENT)



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