Thursday, January 19, 2006

blog addiction

Blog Addiction is something to watch out for, especially in young people.

If your son or daughter is turning into a blog addict, it may be too late to control their development in normal and more wholesome and natural directions. Patients suffering from Blog Addiction are impossible to cure with current treatment programs, since they're hooked on a virtual vehicle, a digital magic carpet that takes them to the Slow Chat Room atmosphere of an active reader commentary blog.

No cases of death have yet been attributable to this disease, but we are still just entering the earliest stages of its dissemination. In time, we will start seeing the most severe and crippling effects of rapid decline in heavy blog abusers.

Abusing blogs takes a few different forms.

(1) Spending too much time working on, writing, making art for, tweaking the template, or editing the text of a blog.

(2) Spending too much time visiting other blogs and posting comments at them.

(3) Wasting too much energy defending, explaining, promoting, studying, analyzing, or dreaming about blogs, blogging, bloggers, and the blogosphere.

Symptoms are a drug withdrawal type irritability, insomnia, and a lost look in their eyes whenever they are somehow torn away from the computers.

Blog Addicts have great deal of difficulty focusing on anything non-blog related, including food, family, fun, and sex. Nothing seems to matter to this new type of Internet Zombie, nothing except blogs.

Many young people operate multiple computers and communication devices simultaneously, as do some adults who should be ashamed of themselves. A typical Blog Addict will be listening to music on iTunes, reading a blog, and IMing friends, as an email in draft awaits its launch time.

Blog Addicts are always quick to catch any television news reports that mention blogs, and tend to ignore any MSM entries into blogging. They are elitist even as they morbidly obsess over miniscule minutae of their blog contents, style, and future.

Most blog addicts are doomed to blog themselves to death if an intervention squad is not allowed to tackle the freak, tie him up with network cables, and haul him off to an isolation ward, where he will be forcibly removed from any contact with computers or any internet communication device or means of connecting with a data-filtering community.

Blog Addicts live on coffee, pizza, tortilla chips and salsa or hummus, cat food, worms, random birds that fly into the attic, crumbs the ants don't care for, and assorted sticks and pebbles.

The euphoric wasteland that blogging grinds into the brain of a Blog Addict is a horribly monstrous pulling machine, that draws the sufferer back to the blogosphere for more and more blogging thrills.

Blog thrills become more difficult to attain as the novelty and wonder wear off. Most Blog Addicts know the exact day they left regular humanity: always about 6 months after starting a blog.

The first month is confused, reckless abandon.

The second month is impatient skepticism.

The third month is weary bewilderment.

The fourth month is emaciated misgivings.

The fifth month is embarrassed boredom.

The sixth month of blogging is the point of no return. In spite of ever increasing investments of time and effort, the blog remains uncommented upon and unlinked, yet, for no rational reason, the blogger keeps trying, keeps thinking and blogging.

Never to return to normal society.

After six months of pointless, readerless, ignored blogging, if you keep going: you're a Blog Addict.

In Blog Addict: 2 we'll examine some common myths about bloggers, blog conferences, blog lurkers, and the blogosphere.

Re, member: A blog addict is an innocent suffering individual, a bad person with a good problem, or a good person with a bad solution, or a lonely person with nowhere to go, or a maniac propagating mad ideas.

Try to be kind and underwhelmed by the devasting effects of the disease on otherwise average, everyday people.

[signed] steven streight aka vaspers the grate

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