Monday, December 19, 2005

Strange Santa Sightings

Santa tried being a cowboy, back in 1940, and again in 1967, but he couldn't get into Indian-bashing and eating cold beans. When he questioned the genocide of the Native American race, the cowboys tried to brand him.

Santa Claus firecrackers were made illegal in 28 states before the ACLU realized that they released harmless puffs of euphoria-inducing smoke and no loud bangs. The euphoria got the attention of the Injustice Department, and that's what got them banned. The liquor, pharmaceutical, and mental "health" industries used their undue influence to stop the spread of such pleasant explosives.

Many songs have been written about Santa Claus. Str8 Sounds Mind Removal band even did a few back in the mid-1990s, including "Fat Red Anarchist".

The band Culturcide did a song about Santa Claus. I had some recordings by Culturcide, but not this one.

Many children claim they saw Santa Claus kissing their mom, but they need to understand that Santa is happily married, so they must have been imagining this dastardly deed.

No one has ever understood how Mr. Claus was able to satisfy his young and perky wife, since he had so many toys to make and never went to restaurants or movies. He used to say his life was a more interesting movie than all Hollywood films rolled into one, which isn't really saying very much.

Santa Claus never joined any political party, and never served in any branch of military service, which caused many to hate him, even though he saved the earth from Mars invaders.

Santa was in a biker gang called Heck's Red Angels, but since all they did was engage in random acts of senseless kindness, the mainstream media ignored it.

The most amazing achievement of S. Claus was his single handed defeat of Martianism, an extraterrestial totalitarianism that was conjectured to be worse than Guantanamo Bay, politically correct college campuses, or North Korea.

Santa had some secret plans to wipe out terrorism, but since it didn't involve killing, wiretapping, diversity enforcement, or blowing anything up, the Pentagon, the ACLU, and the UN weren't interested.

I thought the Beatles were bigger than Santa Claus, yet here we have Ringo Starr, the band's drummer and country singer, placating the Santa spirit with some sort of single or EP or album. I've never heard it, nor do I particularly care to hear it.

A bizarre mutation of Santa was effected when an Anti-Santa UFO shot a warp ray at him. His condition, at the time of this photo, was stable, but grotesque.

As this rarely seen tombstone photo shows, Santa is now deceased. His funeral was a few weeks ago, but since no Marines died from a roadside bomb during the service, the mainstream media refused to cover it.

Reliable rumor-mongers report that the entire operation has been closed at the North Pole, and is being offshore outsourced to India, where Santa Claus is appeased as a Tantric mammonist demon.

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