Friday, December 09, 2005

Law of Loser Levitation

This law, an original concept from Vaspers the Grate, is composed of the following truths:

(1) The higher a person rises in a company, the less accountable they are.

Proof: supervisors can get away with tons of things that are reasons for firing a lowly front-line worker.

Watch how managers come and go as they please, how they neglect to follow the procedures they inflict on their 'underlings', and how they ignore customer requests or complaints. Ethical standards decline as employees climb the ladder of success.

Examples: Enron, WorldCom, ChoicePoint.

(2) The best employees gravitate to the bottom.

Why? Because it's at the bottom that true Servant-Leadership is learned and applied. Direct contact with customers, clients, suppliers, and competitors occurs primarily in the front-line, "lowly" positions.

Servant-Leaders will of course rise, if they wish, higher in the company. But it will be a different kind of ascension, and they will miss the good old days when their work paid less, but was more fun. They'll miss the comraderie and cooperation of other workers on the firing line.

(3) The higher an employee ascends, the less they know about the product and its benefits or drawbacks.

Why? Because you begin to get immersed in office politics, superficial niceties, and irrelevant conundrums. You begin to worry more about how big your office is, how convenient your parking spot is, and how to please and conform to the "higher ups"... and to care less about customers and service.

Example: WalMart hiring political advisors, and conducting meetings in a specially designed "war room", seeking new ways to "position" themselves to retain employees, increase sales, and lure customers back from their competitors.

This shows how truly clueless WalMart is. Which takes us to the final point...

(4) The best marketing strategies are developed in retail outlets, not corporate conference rooms.

Watch how desperate companies try all kinds of lame methods to improve their advertising and PR. They'll even buy into the totally disproven idea that "sex sells", like we're all a bunch of George Castanzas, mixing sandwiches with sex acts.

Example: Hardee's idiotic TV commercials showing a skinny female junkie riding a mechanical bull and devouring a huge murder-burger.

Sex does *not* sell anything, except condoms, porn, and genital herpes medicine. And maybe lingerie and other garment items. That's about it.

If you want new, exciting, valid marketing ideas, go to the sales floor and watch the best sales people. Notice how they treat customers and what they say to make the sale. Ask the customers what they want and what they hate about your product. Ask your customer service and repair shop mechanics what the biggest problems and complaints are. That's how marketing research is done.

Corporate Corruption Principles

Some day I'll compile all my Corporate Corruption Principles that will reveal why America is being defeated in the marketplace by foreign competitors.

It is absolutely NOT due to "rising health care costs" or any other bullshit they try to feed you.

Those liars fool only very young people, or neurotically conservative flunkies. With all the tax breaks, pension raiding, medical benefit cuts, supplementary workers (with no benefits), offshore outsourcing, shoddy customer service, etc., you'd think the corporations would be rolling in dough. They are. At the top. Where the scum tends to accumulate.

If you're "on the way up", make sure it's not Loser Levitation that's keeping you afloat.

[signed] Steven Streight aka Vaspers the Grate


No comments: