Tuesday, September 06, 2005

3 reasons why bad corporations should blog

3 Reasons Why Bad Corporations Should Blog

I used to think that the only corporations the blogosphere should welcome are the ones that are good, ethical, customer-friendly.

If a corporation wanted to improve its customer relations, I'd say "start a blog".

If a corporation was sincerely wishing to hear complaints, praise, questions, and suggestions from users, I'd say "start a blog".

If a corporation wanted to counteract unfair negative PR, and present the full and accurate story, I'd say "start a blog".

For these, and many more valid reasons, I still believe a good corporation should consider blogging.

But what about bad corporations?

In this tolerant, wussy, post-modern, "don't keep score", "perversity is diversity", sissified world in which we live, how can I shun and shut out the bad corporations? That's not politically correct, is it?

If criminals have tons of rights, then why not let the bad corporations blog too?

Why must I persist in my shameful exclusionary, elitist attitude?

Well friends, I've pondered this for a few seconds, and have drastically revised my rotten attitude. I want to open the blogosphere to all the bad corporations. They can play in our sandbox if they really want to.

Bad corporation =

* despises and outsources customer service

* pays no attention to customer feedback

* ignores product enhancements that would increase customer satisfaction

* provides reluctant customer assistance in product selection

* avoids comparisons with competitive products

* actually believes the first to market a product is always the winner

* practices the "ship bug-ridden product, then sell upgrade packages and 2.0 versions"... that still don't perform correctly

* sides with management against workers in all circumstances

* enables inept managers to bully and stifle smarter, more efficient underlings

* cooks the accounting books to boost stock prices, earnings reports, and executive compensation

* run by a CEO who's a total arrogant dickweed

* cultivates a corporate atmosphere of paranoia, greed, and sexual inuendo

* cares nothing for the community, the industry, or professional ethics

* downsizes, cuts pensions and employee benefits, then increases top executive pay

* hires supplemental workers at lower pay and no benefits, then builds a museum to honor its delusions of grandeur

* treats employees like slaves, ignores what front line workers say about the product and customers, cares only about excessive profit and expanding market share

* pollutes environment, then whines about the cost of emission controls

* hates wilderness, pristine landscapes, public parks, feminism, blacks, pedestrians, and "tree-huggers"

* loves concrete, parking lots, resource ravaging, gas guzzlers, patriarchy, and "good old [white] boy networks"

* offers no help during disasters, or takes advantage of the victims

* provides logical reasons why nations and individuals turn to Communism

Why Bad Corporations Should Blog

(1.) So we can humiliate, mock, shame, irritate, and yell at them via comments.

(2.) So the whole world can see how shoddy, shady, haughty, clueless, misanthropic, and antiquated they are.

(3.) So they can freak out at all the negative comments they receive, have a nervous breakdown, and experience a federal investigation for fraud, malfeasance, false advertising, and other corporate law and federal regulatory violations.

There. Now I feel much better. I am now more inclusionary, all-embracing, and tolerant.

Now the bad corporations can blog right along with the good ones.

I can almost feel the love pulsating through the blogosphere, thanks to me.

Now everybody can be happy and get on with their lives.

[signed] Steven Streight aka Vaspers the Grate


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