Friday, July 15, 2005

Blog Pioneer: Heather Armstrong "Dooce" blog

Blog Pioneer #3:

Heather Armstrong. "Dooce" blog.

Do you know Heather Armstrong?

She's famous for such things as one of the first to get fired for what she wrote in her blog about other employees ("dooced" means fired for blog content] and for developing the Mommy Blog.

I've just gotten back from launching a salvo of missile strikes against Mommy Blogs, over at the Carrie So Contrary blog:

I agree with Carrie that most if not all Mommy Blogs are obsessed with their babies in a clinically unhealthy over-identification with womb and its productions, a chronic narcissistic projection of deep rooted insecurity issues, resulting in a mass exodus of balance, accompanied by the simultaneous fluid installation of an insulating monomaniacal umbilical dischordancy. It's insulting.

So why honor a mommy blogger?

Dooce is an Extreme Sports Mommy Blog, that's why.

Raw, candid, real, bizarre, surrealistic dream-pillowy:

[QUOTE, from today's post at DOOCE]

...And then she fell over and writhed. There was much writhing. And clawing at the floor until her hands started to bleed.

“What are you doing to her?” he asked.

“I have four elephants tied to each of her limbs and they are all walking in separate directions.”

“No, seriously, what’s going on?”

“The collar of her shirt is eating her face, I guess.”

Right then I put him on speaker phone so that I could put it down, retrieve another shirt, and save the remaining flesh on the back of Leta’s head. The moment the other collar-less shirt was on her torso she sighed an audible, “AHHHHHHH.”

Jon let out a small, knowing giggle, not a big one though because he knows I’m doing this alone all week. “Did you change her shirt?”

“No, I just told the elephants to stop and take a five-minute smoke break. They’ll be right back.”


I love how Heather is not praising her infant like it's some jewel in her ego crown.

She tells raw, uncomfortable, disturbing, cynical, unglamorous tales of mommying and blogging with great literary precision.

She is a Super Blogger and a hardcore LWA Lady With Attitude.

Here's the text on her About This Site page:


My name is Heather B. Armstrong. Some of you may remember me as Heather B. Hamilton. I am married to a charming geek named Jon. We live in Salt Lake City, Utah, with our one-year-old daughter, Leta Elise, and our two-year-old dog, Chuck.

I am a Stay at Home Mom (SAHM) or a Shit Ass Ho Mother[-----]r. I do both equally well.

In a previous life I was a web designer. I lived and worked in Los Angeles, California, for several years where I worked for drug-addicted executives and discovered what life was like as a recovering Mormon.

This means that life was filled with PowerPoint templates and lethal amounts of tequila. I dated several actors and met a handful of celebrities.

Everything you’ve ever heard about Los Angeles is absolutely true, especially the parts about traffic and actors: they really are that bad.

I grew up in a small suburb of Memphis, Tennessee, and graduated valedictorian of Bartlett High School in 1993.

The reason I am telling you about the valedictorian part is because being able to say, “I was the valedictorian,” is the only privilege I ever got in life from achieving that goal.

No one ever hired me because I was valedictorian.

The lesson to be learned from this is: AIM LOW.

Save yourself the time.

My parents raised me Mormon, and I grew up believing that the Mormon Church was true.
In fact, I never had a cup of coffee until I was 23-years-old. I had pre-marital sex for the first time at age 22, but BY GOD I waited an extra year for the coffee.

There had better be a special place in heaven for me.

I attended BYU from 1993-1997 and graduated with a degree in English.

I firmly believe that BYU is the most horrible place on Earth, worse even than Disneyland.

The one skill I learned in college that serves me well now is not how to solve differential equations or how to write a paper deconstructing “The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock,” it’s how to distrust organized religion.

I am no longer a practicing Mormon or someone who believes that Rush Limbaugh speaks to God. My family is understandably disappointed.

I started this website in February 2001.

A year later I was fired from my job for this website because I had written stories that included people in my workplace.

My advice to you is BE YE NOT SO STUPID.

Never write about work on the internet unless your boss knows and sanctions the fact that YOU ARE WRITING ABOUT WORK ON THE INTERNET.

If you are the boss, however, please don’t be a bitch and talk with your hands.

And when you order Prada online, please don’t talk about it out loud, you rotten whore.

This website chronicles my life from a time when I was single and making a lot of money as a web designer in Los Angeles, to when I was dating my husband, to when I lost my job and lived life as an unemployed drunk, to when I married my husband and moved to Utah, to when I became pregnant, to when I threw up during the pregnancy, to when I became unbearably swollen during the pregnancy, to the birth, to the aftermath, to the postpartum depression I currently suffer.

I talk a lot about poop, boobs, my dog, and my daughter.

If you are looking for the posts that cost me my job, check out the DOOCED category. It contains all of the posts my employer found “objectionable and negative.” Sometimes when I go back and read those entries I smack my head and shout out loud, “WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?”

DOOCED: to lose one’s job because of one’s website.

All of the other categories are pretty self-explanatory and will tell the tale of this website better than I could in the paragraphs here.

I love pop tarts, nacho cheese doritos, Britney Spears’ chest, and Britpop. I am always constipated.


Heather combines what I hate about personal blogs and mommy blogs, with a splendid sense of writing stylistic genius weirdness that verges heavily into the surreal and the Dada zone.

Mama and Dada.

So, go visit her blog and see for yourself.

Dooce is the Gaping Void of the Mommy Blogs.

[signed] Steven Streight aka Vaspers the Grate


No comments: