Friday, March 25, 2005

Spam Killers Club

sending unsolicited commercial email to digital hell Posted by Hello

Are you ready to be initiated?

Into the Spam Killers Club?

Yes? Great!

It's fun and not painful at all.

But please keep this ritual a closely guarded secret: it's only for those who deliberately discover, or fortuitously stumble upon, the Vaspers the Grate blog.

Okay. Here we go now...

Inititation Ritual
for the 2005
Spam Killers Club

First, log onto the internet.

Bring up your email inbox.

Sprinkle a bit of salt on the top of your head. (For dramatic symbolic value, and to make this really memorable.)

Place your right hand on your heart.

Place your left hand on the computer screen, as it displays your email inbox.

Repeat the following in a somber and grave tone of voice...

"Because my email inbox can contain email messages that are phishing (tempting me to provide financial account or sensitive private information...spam (tempting me to respond to commercial scams)...or viruses (tempting me to open a message with embedded malicious code, or an attachment with detrimental executable programs), I solemnly commit to these irrevocable vows, with the universe as my witness."

(1.) The Reluctance Vow:

"I will be extremely hesitant to open and read email from any person or organization I do not know."

"While there may be legitimate email marketing campaigns, I will refuse to respond to just about all messages from unknown senders."

"I will not even open messages from companies or people I know, if I am not expecting to hear from them, or something makes me doubt it is really them."

"For me to open any email, the Subject line must contain a private fact or interest of mine, that indicates a definite prior communication with the person, or would require some research to know about."

"Any stranger offering me pharmaceutical products, adult DVDs, mortgage loans, low interest loans, online gambling, opportunities to donate to good causes and tragedy relief efforts, domain names, sexual pleasure or enhancement products, or discount computer software, will always be considered a potential or actual spammer, con artist, or scumbag."

(Sorry to reputable businesses offering any of these products, but the con artists have poisoned the waters in which you float.)

(2.) The Email Address Secrecy Vow:

"I will NOT give my email address to banks, hospitals, insurance companies, investment firms, that way, I'll know the alleged emails from such entities is actually fake, a trick, a con, or a virus."

"Any bank, financial institution, or other business that requests me to update alleged account information now will always be considered to be a con artist phishing scammer, thus I will never open any emails with such Subject lines."

(3.) The Anti-Curiosity Vow:

"If I am tempted to investigate an email offer, if it intrigues me, and I'm dying to know what's going on here, I still will not open the email.
"Instead, I will do a search engine search on the phrase that intrigues me."

"That way, I'll see if other people are complaining about the phrase being a trick that unleashed a virus, or scammed them out of money, or was just plain dumb and worthless."

MEANING: When a spam or virus email is distributed, those who are dumber than you opened them, and now bitterly regret it.

You'll discover how dangerous or worthless a tempting email is, by typing the Subject line, or the From (sender) name into a search engine and seeing what results you get.

Often, by the time you receive the bad email, others will have also received it, and have issued warnings about it on blogs, web sites, discussion lists, etc.

(4.) The Mental Retaliation Vow:

"I will mentally abuse spam messages with caustic, mocking, ill-tempered comments to humiliate and harm the email sender...if only they could read my mind."

MEANING: Instead of thinking "Hmmm. It would be nice if this was true. Maybe it is. I guess I'll open this and find out what it's all about", you will now think: "This is bull, do they think I'm retarded or stupid? How dare these mindless scumbags send such utterly ignorant garbage to me?"

PURPOSE: This "mental humiliation" may seem silly, but it's not. It is good solid training for the mind and the mental reflexes. By talking trash to spam and virus emails, you overcome your tendency to trust, to tolerate, and to happily waltz into a hideous trap.

Congratulations. You're now an official member of the Spam Killers Club.

Memorize and periodically chant joyfully our motto:

"Death to spam...I delete with delight!"

REMEMBER: Before we delete, we have the enjoyable opportunity of humiliating the spam sender, mentally, by making fun of their stupidity, and their absurd spelling errors.

Just say, silently, in your mind, mentally, the most ugly and hateful things you can think of to the spammer. Like they were physically present, standing next to your computer, grinning and hoping.

Let's practice our new spam humiliation skills with some actual spam messages.

Spam Humiliation Practice Examples



Subject: Your Final Warning From eBay

SPAM KILLER Humiliation:

"Screw you. I don't have any eBay account. And even if I did have an eBay account, I wouldn't give them the time of day via email. I'd go directly to the eBay site."

"What warning? About what? How do I pose a threat to eBay?"

"You're not from eBay. You're just spoofing, pretending to be from eBay."

"If eBay, or any other company, wants to get ahold of me, they'll have to phone me or send me a postal letter."

"Here's your Final Warning: I delight in deleting you now."


From: Janine Spence

Subject: Re: Next weekend?

SPAM KILLER Humiliation:

"Screw you. My weekends belong to me and Michelob. Not to some stranger with a stupid name and no brains."

"What? I'm supposed to think something sexy or financially enriching could happen next weekend if I open this email? Who are you kidding?"

"Am I supposed to think you're a cousin, work associate, ex-girlfriend, or what...someone important I just forgot the name of? Yeah, right."

"RE: right now...I merrily delete you."



Subject: Get More Orders for Anything You Sell

SPAM KILLER Humiliation:

"Screw you. If you can help me get more orders, then why don't you know exactly what it is I sell...if I indeed do sell anything at all? Go do your homework, pimple-faced schoolboy, and shut up about all that more orders crap."

"How does it feel to be a rolling stupid, how does it feel to be deleted?"



Subject: Please reply to my private email.

SPAM KILLER Humiliation:

"Screw you. Now you listen to me: please respond to my public humiliation, my fist rammed into your face (mentally)."

"Your private email? What, is there now private email, semi-private email, and public email? Again: you're Very Stupid!"

"Deleting you feels so very good."


From: mrs. ola davids

Subject: business assistance

SPAM KILLER Humiliation:

"Sorry, stupid. I don't give business assistance to idiots who put the words 'business assistance' in the Subject line of an email. Too vague."

"You have business assistance for me...or I'm supposed to give it to you? You are pathetic, too fuzzy-minded for either possibility to be genuine. Nice try, loser."

"Who uses 'mrs.' in a From line anyway? Am I supposed to be more receptive to you because you claim to be wedded in holy matrimony? I hope you and your stupid alleged husband live stupidly together forever, amen."

"How dearly I love deleting you."


From: LaSalle Online Banking

Subject: LaSalle Online Banking-Urgent account verification!

SPAM KILLER Humiliation:

"I've got an Urgent message for you: Urgently flush your idiotic phishing scam down the nearest public or private toilet!!!! Verify it by a distinct flushing and gurgling sound!!!!! Thank you, stupid."

"Down the digital toilet you go, denounced and deleted."


From: BE777VUNIS

Subject: urgent please - Dear Friend, As you read this, I don't want you to feel sorry for me, because...

SPAM KILLER Humiliation:

"Hey mister three numbers in the middle of your phony name: I Delete You...because you so Stupid. You are not my friend. But yes indeed, I choose to feel sorry for you are so Stupid."

"I feel sorry I didn't delete you sooner, but I am just now checking my email."


From: Postmaster


SPAM KILLER Humiliation:

"This is tricky, but I refuse to automatically open this message. This is a common trick of virus senders. If my email to someone didn't arrive, so what? I'll check my Sent Messages file, and make sure the emails of the last few days were correctly addressed. If so, they must have reached the recipients. If someone's email client is no longer in service, that known person or organization will have to contact me to let me know. Thus, I delete this confidently."

"EMAIL OPENING FAILURE: I delete you without opening the message or the VIRUS attachment."

[NOTE: this virus email message tricked me. Luckily, while I stupidly opened the message, my Foxfire browser did not allow anything to infect my computer, and I did not open the attachment, which posed as my "message that was undeliverable".]


From: Vilma Sandoval

Subject: RE: last time

SPAM KILLER Humiliation:

"Yeah, you got that right. This IS the last time you will bother me. What a ridiculous Subject line. I'm supposed to fill in the blank: the last time we had sex, the last time I purchased DVDs from you, the last time we had a business meeting...? Very Stupid."

"Bye bye dumb-bird, down the delete hole you must go."


From: Lena Higgins

Subject: No man is rich enough to buy back his past (Oscar Wilde).

SPAM KILLER Humiliation:

"And no man or woman is stupid enought to open this email. You are the weakest stink. Goodbye."

"No action is more delightful, in regard to you, than deleting you now."


From: support@econ.con

Subject: iLLegall S0FTwareZ (bowditchery malnourishment)

SPAM KILLER Humiliation:

"Oh, you think deliberately misspelling some words will enable you to bypass my spam filters? Wrong. It's a dead giveaway that this IS spam. See ya, wouldn't want to be ya."

"Here comes your Legal Deletion: gone for good."


From: cheeper medicationz

Subject: [blank]

SPAM KILLER Humiliation:

"Another misspeller. And a brilliant move: a blank subject line. How unlike a real email message. You loser."

"A cheaper action I cannot imagine, it costs me nothing to delete you now."

Okay. Easy wasn't it?

You may now shake the salt out of your hair, but do it over a sink or basin.


(FREE TIP: Always put a nose on your emoticon smiley face. See above.)

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